kickasola.

Sorry for the wait.

I haven’t posted in so long. So slack, I know. So what’s been going on with me?

I’m a mom! Adie is here, she has been for almost FOUR MONTHS. I know, that’s insane. I have a 4 month old. An eating, sleeping, laughing, pooping, 4 month old. Wow. I love it. It’s absolutely the most amazing thing I’ve ever done. I thought at one point I could never love anyone like I love Kieran. Wrong. Adie is the love of my life, I can’t even explain it. Unless you’ve had a child, you won’t understand. So I won’t try to get the point across.

I’ve learned a lot.

I left Look Up. I never thought I would leave Look Up. I can’t tell you how glad I am that I did, though. It’s been so freeing. I was so controlled and so under pressure from everyone around me I never knew what it was to be independent and not have to try to please everyone around me. I know how to make my OWN decisions now, I never made them by myself before. Never. And this isn’t to say the people are there are terrible, because they aren’t. They’re my family. We’re a distant family now and I like it so much better that way. There is such a thing as being too close with people. Once you step away from the bubble, it’s so much easier to breathe.

I have a JOB that I LOVE. Krispy Kreme. Yeah, laugh it up and make jokes - but it’s the best thing ever. I have managers and co-workers that I adore and I’m actually really great at what I do. I’ve been told so. And I get free donuts, um HELLO.

And to top everything off, I am still going so strong with the love of my life. I’ve never had anyone love me like Kieran does. I’m so blessed. SO BLESSED. I love him so much. With all these changes, flips, and turns, I’m so glad that I have had this man stand beside me. Gosh, *blushes*.

Y’all, I’m happy. That’s all.

this last year.

It literally blows my mind at how much has changed since last summer. Everything I never thought would happen, happened. I started dating the love of my life, I’m having a baby, my best friend is the girl I hated for a year, the one place I thought I would never leave is now somewhere I only see once or twice a month, the people that were the closest to me are now the farthest. A year ago, all of these things I thought would be disastrous if they ever really happened. I can’t explain how much happier I am now than I was then. I’m finally in a place where I know who I am and I know where I’m going. I’ve learned the real meaning of “sometimes good things have to fall apart so better things can fall together”. I’ve learned to let go and stop being so controlling of everything. I’ve learned to let things play out as they want to play out instead of trying to force what I want to happen. Not everyone is going go please you and you’re going to end up disappointed most of the time, but the lessons you take from that are amazing. I can’t wait to have my baby girl and teach her all that I’ve learned and see what kind of mistakes she’s going to make later in life. I’ve never been so excited for something as I am about the year ahead of me.

all i know is.

Being pregnant is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. It’s made me realize a lot of things. Like for one, who’s really here for me. I haven’t “lost” any friends and I’m not going to rant like a middle school girl about finding my real friends and who’s two-faced; but I have realized that people don’t have your back like you thought they would, especially when times get tough. People turn into what they said they never would. But hey, I can’t really complain. I’ve got a beautiful daughter on the way and a man that loves me and stands by me through everything. I’m starting to learn real responsibility. Keeping my body healthy, actually watching what I eat, making sure Adison is well nourished, kicking my ass into high gear to find a job. It’s a big deal. I’m gonna have a real, living, breathing, sleeping, eating, pooping human in the house that’s MY responsibility. Someone that looks up to me for guidance and to set an example for her. I’m gonna be a MOMMY. All I can do is hope that I keep my head screwed on tight, keep my head out of the clouds, and keep working hard so she’ll never go a day in her life without what she needs.

I also grow more grateful every day that I’m not the only one going thought this. There are rumors and gossip about all the teen moms today. And yeah, while there are A LOT of them, and while maybe we did things a little out of order, I still believe that there’s a plan for everything. A baby is a blessing that God wouldn’t have blessed me with if he didn’t think I was ready. While having a baby is too consequence for an action that I did out of wedlock, and not the way that the Bible would tell me to do it, it’s the best consequence I could ever ask for. The girls that are pregnant are in my opinion the strongest girls I know. There are girls doing this on their own, without any help of any man. If that isn’t strong I don’t know what is. Instead of looking down on us, trying walking in our shoes. I guarantee your view will be a lot different.